My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
decorating my apartment
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.