My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
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PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
some things should go without saying
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.