i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Guys, I found it.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
🏙👨🏼
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god