me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
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Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.