Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
🤣🤣🤣
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now