No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay