*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Note to self: I am a note
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.