the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.