My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…