Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
You Might Also Like
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.