Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.