‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich