Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
You Might Also Like
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
The honesty is refreshing
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]