“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.