“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I will never stop laughing at this
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Not even remotely sorry.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.