Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
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My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Meow?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.