sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
are there any atheist mantises?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE