*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
bought wrong eggs
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.