“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
nyc:
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
#titanic
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*