Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.