Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
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ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
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Think I pulled my liver
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Me: Hogwarts.
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
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And I am.
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Husband is asking for more money.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
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me: phew
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*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
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ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice