*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Effort made
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”