While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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Sharon I have some bad news
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.