Is this a threat?
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?