Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?