i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.