Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I unironically love this joke.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I need to update my racial profile.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
A great tip. #CakeRex
I get distracted pretty eas
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.