“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.