Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
You Might Also Like
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”