I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
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I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog