Am getting real tired of your crap…
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.