I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.