There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.