I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
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My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need