Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!