You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds