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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.