You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.