Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree