Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.