You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
You Might Also Like
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Rt to bother an English speaker
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.