[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*