worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My dad.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad