[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
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As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.