Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
A dad and his duck
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Just grow your own
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Worst perfume name ever.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”