Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My flabber has been gasted.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
dogs can find happiness so easily
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.