Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
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What personal space?
My dog
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
what it’s like dating me:
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.