*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*