🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
me opening up to someone
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside