me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
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Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
cause of death:
autopsy.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that